11.
While Grod and Jeff talked my mind wandered from object to object around the room, suddenly realizing each one's beauty. The table was so perfectly woody and rectangular. The walls were so remarkably flat. The door frame was so perfectly parallel to the room. And The Golden Girls were so-- Jeff asked Grod a question that caught my attention.
"So what the fuck did you do that got you kicked out of Heaven," Jeff asked Grod. "If I was Him I would've done it ages ago, but I never thought He, Himself would kick his own brother out, man."
"Step-brother," Grod corrected.
"Anyway, cough it up, man. What'd you do to piss him off that bad?"
Grod stretched his legs and sunk back into the chair he was sitting in. "Okay, so you know how I always get cold when I smoke. Or feel cold, whatever."
"Yeah, man, me too." Jeff and Grod suddenly seemed to me to be actors on a stage or television show -- no, it couldn't be a television show, because the Golden Girls were on TV. What they were saying was amazingly captivating, and I nearly fell off my seat leaning forward to catch every word.
"Anyway, whenever I smoke up in the Big Place, I turn up the thermostat, and God always gets pissed. And I always keep doing it. But this time, I guess I turned the dial too hard or something. I was pretty fucked up, it was hard enough to find the damn thing."
"Heaven ain't got no thermostat, dude," said Jeff, noticably perplexed as he handed me the bong.
"What the hell did I turn up, then?" Grod asked.
There was a short silence while I took another hit. I must not have been paying attention when they reloaded the bowl because we had been smoking constantly since we started. By now I was starting to get pretty good at using the bong. It still hurt like a bitch, though.
"Are you sure it wasn't the oven?" Jeff suggested.
Grod took the bong and hit it. He coughed a few times and said, "Damn it, Jeff. I know what a god damn oven looks like." There was another pause in the conversation. "Well, whatever it was, I broke it."
"Where was this dial?" Jeff asked.
"I don't know, it was by God's laptop. You know, that desk with all the buttons."
"Shit yeah, man, I've pushed a few of those myself. It's so tempting."
"No kidding. Anyway, God said something about the thermostat and his precious mortals, and I didn't bother figuring out what the hell he was talking about."
"Wait," Jeff said and handed me the bong. "Did it have a little blue and green circle by it."
Grod thought for a moment, "It could have... yeah, maybe."
"Haha, so it is an act of God... Well, an act of Grod," Jeff sat back laughing.
"Huh?"
"These humans can't figure out why their dumbshit planet keeps getting warmer. They're actually blaming themselves, man."
I took another hit and passed it to Grod. "So what your saying," I said and started smiling, "Is that you caused global warming?"
Grod and Jeff started laughing, and soon I joined in. "Whoops," said Grod, and we all laughed some more. After a little while Grod's gaze swept over the Book of Truth, and he grabbed it up from the floor.
"Here Paul, check this thing out." He tossed it to me and I caught it somehow, realizing immediately how heavy the thing was. I peered closer. It was bound in very soft but very ancient looking leather; each of the pores in the material seemed to be regarding me balefully.
"Hey, man, are you sure that's a.." Jeff began to say. Grod cut him off.
"Aah, don't worry about it. The Book of Truth isn't that bad." He motioned at the book. "Go on, dig in." Jeff shrugged and took another draw on the bong. I grasped the strangely warm, pliant cover and opened the book to a random page, page 614, and started reading:
Paul is sitting on the couch reading.
How odd. Thinking this might be some sort of practical joke I stopped to look at the others. I watched for some time, but Grod and Jeff seemed to both be engaged in some portley television evangelist yelling and damning them to hell. I turned back to the book.
Paul looks around. No one is watching him. Where did everyone go, Paul thinks.
I wasn't sure what to make of the last part so I looked up. Jeff and Grod were both gone.
Darkness falls.
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"So what the fuck did you do that got you kicked out of Heaven," Jeff asked Grod. "If I was Him I would've done it ages ago, but I never thought He, Himself would kick his own brother out, man."
"Step-brother," Grod corrected.
"Anyway, cough it up, man. What'd you do to piss him off that bad?"
Grod stretched his legs and sunk back into the chair he was sitting in. "Okay, so you know how I always get cold when I smoke. Or feel cold, whatever."
"Yeah, man, me too." Jeff and Grod suddenly seemed to me to be actors on a stage or television show -- no, it couldn't be a television show, because the Golden Girls were on TV. What they were saying was amazingly captivating, and I nearly fell off my seat leaning forward to catch every word.
"Anyway, whenever I smoke up in the Big Place, I turn up the thermostat, and God always gets pissed. And I always keep doing it. But this time, I guess I turned the dial too hard or something. I was pretty fucked up, it was hard enough to find the damn thing."
"Heaven ain't got no thermostat, dude," said Jeff, noticably perplexed as he handed me the bong.
"What the hell did I turn up, then?" Grod asked.
There was a short silence while I took another hit. I must not have been paying attention when they reloaded the bowl because we had been smoking constantly since we started. By now I was starting to get pretty good at using the bong. It still hurt like a bitch, though.
"Are you sure it wasn't the oven?" Jeff suggested.
Grod took the bong and hit it. He coughed a few times and said, "Damn it, Jeff. I know what a god damn oven looks like." There was another pause in the conversation. "Well, whatever it was, I broke it."
"Where was this dial?" Jeff asked.
"I don't know, it was by God's laptop. You know, that desk with all the buttons."
"Shit yeah, man, I've pushed a few of those myself. It's so tempting."
"No kidding. Anyway, God said something about the thermostat and his precious mortals, and I didn't bother figuring out what the hell he was talking about."
"Wait," Jeff said and handed me the bong. "Did it have a little blue and green circle by it."
Grod thought for a moment, "It could have... yeah, maybe."
"Haha, so it is an act of God... Well, an act of Grod," Jeff sat back laughing.
"Huh?"
"These humans can't figure out why their dumbshit planet keeps getting warmer. They're actually blaming themselves, man."
I took another hit and passed it to Grod. "So what your saying," I said and started smiling, "Is that you caused global warming?"
Grod and Jeff started laughing, and soon I joined in. "Whoops," said Grod, and we all laughed some more. After a little while Grod's gaze swept over the Book of Truth, and he grabbed it up from the floor.
"Here Paul, check this thing out." He tossed it to me and I caught it somehow, realizing immediately how heavy the thing was. I peered closer. It was bound in very soft but very ancient looking leather; each of the pores in the material seemed to be regarding me balefully.
"Hey, man, are you sure that's a.." Jeff began to say. Grod cut him off.
"Aah, don't worry about it. The Book of Truth isn't that bad." He motioned at the book. "Go on, dig in." Jeff shrugged and took another draw on the bong. I grasped the strangely warm, pliant cover and opened the book to a random page, page 614, and started reading:
Paul is sitting on the couch reading.
How odd. Thinking this might be some sort of practical joke I stopped to look at the others. I watched for some time, but Grod and Jeff seemed to both be engaged in some portley television evangelist yelling and damning them to hell. I turned back to the book.
Paul looks around. No one is watching him. Where did everyone go, Paul thinks.
I wasn't sure what to make of the last part so I looked up. Jeff and Grod were both gone.
Darkness falls.
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© 2006 Ian Blake & Marshall Scott
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